“I am not a good wife. I am not a good mother. I am not happy. I am not successful.”
These were the thoughts that were going through my mind while I was waiting for my turn to break my board. As I waited, I stood there watching and listening to everyone cheer loudly in the room while they confidently broke their boards. I waited toward the end, and it was me and one other person. First try, nothing. Second try, nothing. Third try, nothing. And to be honest, I can’t even remember how many times I tried, but I knew I wasn’t going to break it. Whatever you tell your mind, that’s what will happen.
I walked away that night feeling defeated, disappointed in myself, embarrassed, and like a failure… what made it worse is now everyone else would know it too.
This is the point in my life where I didn’t even recognize myself. I felt like my back was up against a wall and I didn’t know where to turn. I had so much fear inside of me and I was so insecure with who I was.
I would go through moments in my life of “being ok” and then “falling backwards” again. We are always on the right path, our path, even though it’s not easy. We are always learning and growing.
It was in 2013 that I became pregnant with Jace and that was the lowest point in my life. As much as I was so happy about my pregnancy, my thoughts came back full force and with vengeance. I felt like I was drowning and trying to keep my head above water. I knew something had to shift, but I wasn’t sure what. Toward the end of my pregnancy I started focusing on what I was going to do afterward to help me feel better on the outside. I was already eating well from my nutrition coaching background with Herbalife, now I wanted to get a little more serious about weight lifting. A month after Jace was born, I went back to the gym, often with him accompanying me in his carseat. I started feeling better about myself physically, but low and behold, those old thoughts started creeping back in.
It was about at that time that I was standing in front of the mirror with my sports bra and shorts, judging myself, saying things like, “That’s too big. You should be smaller by now. My stomach is still not small enough.” and it was at that moment that my husband walked into the bedroom to grab something off of the dresser. He walked in and all he said was, “I’m going to throw that damn mirror away!” and I said, “What?” and he replied, “You’re always looking at it!” and proceeded to walk out. It was precisely at that moment, that I knew something had to change on the inside. I remember my friend Tara writing affirmations on her mirror, and I thought I could do that too… so I grabbed my expo marker, and started writing the opposite thing that my brain was saying to me, which was,
I am love
I am joy
I am a good wife
I am a good mother
I am successful
I am enough
I started saying these over and over until I believed them… it was awkward, embarrassing, and it took time, consistency, and work to rewire my brain, because up until that point, I was telling myself the exact opposite of that.
As you can see, I totally transformed my body and my mind.
The gateway to the mind is through nutrition and fitness, and as you work on those, your mind becomes stronger. When you’re starting on a nutrition or fitness plan, you have to be consistent. Consistency is key.
You can’t workout one time and expect to be fit. Your mind works the same way. You also can’t stop what you’ve been doing that got you there in the first place, because then you start to slip back… because the truth is, I’ve been in that space too. I do believe everything we come across are lessons that we have to learn, sometimes more than once, because I believe everything in life is happening for us, even though sometimes it seems like we can’t get through it.
I’ve been on the uphill climb, I’ve been on the top, and I’ve been on the downward spiral, and those are what I call the ebbs and flows of life. The key is to get up and choose to keep moving forward.
We’re all on a different journey in life and looking back all I did was make a choice and I chose something different for myself. I want you to know that you can too.
It is always your choice.
If you’ve found yourself resonating with this message– choose to reach out and schedule your FREE Strategy Session because you are worth it.
Erica Hoese is a wife, mother of 3, fitness & wellness coach, nutrition club owner, natural figure competitor, speaker, and author based out of Minnesota. Her mission is to help 10,000 moms start their journey to fitness, fierceness, and fulfillment and create a life that’s fit for purpose… because you are more than just a mom and it’s time we find her– healthier, happier, and stronger!